Shame . . .

Shame.

Shame.

Shame.

Many of us have been on the receiving end of the taunt. We revel in the meme from Game of Thrones. We recoil from embarrassing situations, and do everything we can to “protect our reputations.”

We learn to mask, to strive for perfection, to be unassailable. As a defense. All of this maneuvering and machination to protect our soft underbellies, our traumatic wounds.

And it’s an important thing to protect — our self-worth, our sense of rightness. We don’t want the negative attention. We don’t want to be exposed as softer, less smart, less perfect, less capable, or more fallible than we try to pretend to be. <—- The key word there is “pretend.”

What if we were fallible, or dumber, or more imperfect, or less capable, or soft, or broken, or sad, or hurt, or angry, or human?

In the United States, we adhere to a lot of different systems that guide and govern our lives (no matter your race, creed, or orientation): Capitalism, Politics, and Whiteness.

The greatest of these is Whiteness. Believe it or not.

Whiteness governs our collective relationships to capitalism, and politics. Whiteness governs our relationships between each other, individuals and groups. And Whiteness is a reflexively destructive system. It will consume you, and me, and all of us. And it thrives on shame.

Shame prevents us from frank discussion of politics, capitalism, racism, sexism, misogyny, trans and homo antagonism, and self-hatred.

No one wants to be called racist. No one wants to be called weak. No one wants to be called wounded.

Whiteness, as a system, promises a mountaintop experience if you work hard enough, strive hard enough, ignore enough of your pain. It admonishes children for sometimes natural inclinations toward unity with other children and other people. It tells you what to buy and when. It tells you how you are falling short of the glory. It shows itself in parenting styles. It shows itself in bosses and administrations. It shows itself in the beliefs we hold about groups of people. . . and ourselves.

It shames us for needing support. It shames us for needing money. It shames us for our fears. It shames us for our coping mechanisms (even as it has encouraged us to go deeper and deeper into those exact coping mechanisms). It shames us out of getting the help we need, when we need it.

Because we should try harder (bootstraps), because we haven’t given a thing enough time, because what we want is too much, or because we are too much. Whiteness holds a strict allotment for most things, while at the same time promising you that you can have it all, if you work hard enough, are good enough, are beautiful enough.

Whiteness lies.

About lack. About shame. About everything.

It is both possible and good for you to need support. It is possible and good for you to ask for help. It is possible and good for you to lay your soft underbelly bare. Despite what governing systems have told you, OR what they have done to you.

Whiteness harms.

It creates system after system, goalpost after goalpost, and shame after shame to keep people stuck, scared, and shamed.

You have always deserved better. Despite what you have been told or shown. Simply because you exist. You can let go. You can unclench. You can breathe.

You are not alone. (Even when it feels like it, so emphatically.)